Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Don't Hate me because I'm Beautiful

I had a secret. It ruled my life for a couple of years. I wasn't the typical candidate, I was thirty. I thrived on getting sicker. I had an eating disorder. Not everyone knew, but it ruled my life. It started after my third child was born. I was obsessed about getting back into shape. I was running six to eight miles everyday. If I could not run that day I would feel guilty all day and I was a mess. By six months I was where I was before I gave birth. Joe got sick and was hospitalized. I had no time to eat and I loss four pounds in two days. That is when a huge lightbulb went off. I had control of something.

Just a few of the many celebrities that had eating disorders.

It became increasingly worse when I moved to Texas. My ex-husband was a naval officer and he became increasingly aggressive. He snapped one night and assaulted me. I immediately filed for divorce. My life was spinning out of control but I could control one thing... How much I consumed.

I was always an average kid. In high school I was considered "chubby". I was the "bigger" girl in my group of friends.  Boys seemed not to be interested in me and I contributed this to my weight. I never felt good enough.  But at  31 and 5'9 and 119 pounds, I still didn't feel beautiful.  I always denied when I was approached about the weight loss.  I knew I couldn't hide it forever but maybe for a while.  Not eating was my drug.  As long as I could continue not to eat and lose weight, that helped all my anxiety and any thoughts that would creep into my head.
Kate Moss was my hero as a teenager!

I am no longer anorexia.  I am heavier than I would like but I am healthy.  Don't get me wrong, anorexia is always at the back of my mind.  My life is stressful and I would love to have control of something.  I seem to be "okay" to eat normally, maybe it is maturity, or a supportive husband, or maybe I know now I have a bigger battle to tackle right now with Jayson.  I would not say I am cured, I guess I am recovered.  I do think about slipping into that obsession almost daily.  But than I remember how miserable and how time consuming my addiction was.

I started to run again but this time it's for stress relief... And that is all!

1 comment:

  1. Life is strange because just when you think everything is going along great, you realize something isn't always great as it could be. Your article tonight rang something in my mind tonight and I will share something with you, maybe you didn't know. The only reason I am telling you this is because I feel we are more alike in so many ways.
    Boy's laughed at me in school, I couldn't figure it out. My oldest sister was popular, and then my younger sister was very popular. Both were great at school too. I had to work hard for every grade I received.
    I was tall, I couldn't fix this, I skinny. As my good friend tells me I was tall, skinny and very pretty. But, I didn't feel pretty. I still don't feel pretty, and I am old...lol!
    So, I tried to look like other people! In my soriorty house, I tried to capture other people's personalities, like what they wore, I went and wore head bands...if they went to parties and had too much to drink, I did too. I thought that was the sure way to get popular. Then my good friend told me I didn't have to do any of that to gain friends and boyfriend's just be myself and people will like me for me! It was getting old anyway, always trying to be like someone else and not owning who you are.
    It's terrible what girls have to go through! All we can do is help our children with self values, and great self esteem. I no longer have children to raise, but I can start to say all the right words to my Grandchildren.
    Very good article....keep writing for you Cristin, this will help you with stress too. LY swm 2012