I had a secret. It ruled my life for a couple of years. I wasn't the typical candidate, I was thirty. I thrived on getting sicker. I had an eating disorder. Not everyone knew, but it ruled my life. It started after my third child was born. I was obsessed about getting back into shape. I was running six to eight miles everyday. If I could not run that day I would feel guilty all day and I was a mess. By six months I was where I was before I gave birth. Joe got sick and was hospitalized. I had no time to eat and I loss four pounds in two days. That is when a huge lightbulb went off. I had control of something.
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| Just a few of the many celebrities that had eating disorders. |
It became increasingly worse when I moved to Texas. My ex-husband was a naval officer and he became increasingly aggressive. He snapped one night and assaulted me. I immediately filed for divorce. My life was spinning out of control but I could control one thing... How much I consumed.
I was always an average kid. In high school I was considered "chubby". I was the "bigger" girl in my group of friends. Boys seemed not to be interested in me and I contributed this to my weight. I never felt good enough. But at 31 and 5'9 and 119 pounds, I still didn't feel beautiful. I always denied when I was approached about the weight loss. I knew I couldn't hide it forever but maybe for a while. Not eating was my drug. As long as I could continue not to eat and lose weight, that helped all my anxiety and any thoughts that would creep into my head.
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| Kate Moss was my hero as a teenager! |
I am no longer anorexia. I am heavier than I would like but I am healthy. Don't get me wrong, anorexia is always at the back of my mind. My life is stressful and I would love to have control of something. I seem to be "okay" to eat normally, maybe it is maturity, or a supportive husband, or maybe I know now I have a bigger battle to tackle right now with Jayson. I would not say I am cured, I guess I am recovered. I do think about slipping into that obsession almost daily. But than I remember how miserable and how time consuming my addiction was.
I started to run again but this time it's for stress relief... And that is all!
